NORTH CAROLINA SCHOOLS TO DO AWAY WITH BOOKS, FACTS

Raleigh, NC – Coming under pressure from the Coalition of Parents for a Better Tomorrow, the Department of Public Instruction has decided to remove all textbooks from statewide school curricula. James Reid, a spokesperson for CPBT, called the changes, “daring” and “inclusive.”

“Every decade or so there are new textbooks. They cost taxpayers a pretty hefty sum if you ask me,” he said. “The new textbooks don't even agree with the old textbooks, so what's the point? Why not just cut to the chase and get rid of them altogether before we have to get rid of them in 2030?”

Some locals were critical of the move saying that it, “brought the state back into an era of ignorance,” calling it, “the Dark Ages,” and asking, “Where do you think we are, Alabama?”

To this, Reid said, “Now, I know the liberals are going to be pretty upset with their 'facts' and such. But if you ask me,” he repeated, “facts leave out a lot of people's opinions. I mean, I can say that I read in a book somewhere that a woman's a woman, and a man's a man. That doesn't sit too pretty with the folks on the left, now does it? Now, if we don't have facts running around in our schools, everyone's entitled to their opinions. It's just plain fair.”

The Department of Public Instruction spokesperson only had this to say, “What do you people want from us? You refuse to fund us, you lie about how much our teachers are making, and then you get this. Well, God help you because we're washing our hands of it. May you ignorant philistines finally reap that which you have been sowing for years.”

CPBT is a church-based organization that does fund-raising for educational initiatives. The aim of these initiatives is to provide alternatives to the teaching of evolution in schools. Most recently, they gained a lot of press for touting Kentucky's Creation Museum as the greatest scientific discovery [sic] of the modern era.