BIG TOBACCO EXPECTED TO CELEBRATE ITS TENTH READER BY YEAR'S END

Owner, Awaiting Fame and Fortune

(Greensboro, NC) In a surprising turn of events, the (very) small time blog, "The Big Tobacco" has celebrated its tenth reader by the end of 2020. Only in its fourth year of online publication with an abortive attempt at print journalism, the online publication has rocketed to the coveted 598,675,437th most popular blog worldwide. It shares this newfound fame with an abandoned student project from 2007, used as vehicle for depicting the correlation between bedsores and the intake of hydrogenated oils, an elderly men in golf pants fetish chronicle, and several Geocities websites to which the owners have forgotten their passwords.
The blog's sole writer, poster, social media manager, and part-time editor, Guy Geaux, was enthralled to see this accomplishment and said, "We're in the double digits, baby! Break out the bubbly!"
The Big Tobacco which bills itself as a "southern themed version of 'the Onion,' has not always had it this good. In 2018, the site was only updated five times, and no one really noticed. Once, someone posted a comment on one of the articles, but it had to be taken down quickly because it was just a link, trying to attract viewers to a pay site for webcam girls.
"And, there was this one time, I got blocked from Reddit because they said I was spamming," says Geaux. "How is posting OC spamming? I thought that was just sending the same thing to, like, dozens of people?"
The website Reddit, when asked for comment, did not acknowledge the question in any official capacity, other than to resend its forum etiquette guide.
Geaux's plans for "The Big Tobacco" are unrealistically optimistic and could even be potentially catastrophic. "At this rate, we'll have the circulation of the New York Times in like 500,000 years. Maybe then, I can retire from my job as a teacher. It's not like I have a lot of other options. You know, maybe, I could just quit my job now."
Longtime friends of the owner, when questioned about the feasibility of this as a professional move, had this to say, "He runs a blog? I mean, I guess he mentioned it, but, you know, he talks a lot."
Another anonymous (cowardly) critic commented, "Oh, that. Well, yeah, I was planning on retiring when my baseball card collection is worth a million dollars. It's not dissimilar. Did I tell you? I only have one card: it's a Kerry Lacy card from 1997."
Aside from friends upon whom the site has been forced, other readers include one of Geaux's family members and a fourth grader from Indiana who stumbled upon the site while doing research on the tobacco lobby.
"This isn't helpful," said David Kim. "This has nothing to do with tobacco."