USA CELEBRATES THE END OF RACISM

 

Finally, the last racist person ever has been arrested

(USA) -  This week the trial of Derek Chauvin concluded, finding the Minneapolis police officer guilty on all counts. The forty-five year-old was recorded kneeling on the neck of George Floyd for nine and a half minutes, killing him. Much has been made of the race of victims of police violence, inflaming reactions from the left and the right. People who do not understand how numbers work often point out that more white people are killed by the police every year, failing to acknowledge that only 13.4% of the country is black and, therefore, not commensurate with the statistics. However, with the conclusion of Chauvin's trial, social media exploded with posts about the bright future of a society without racial injustice.

"I am so happy with this. I feel like we can finally all come together now," tweeted AllytheAries.

"Excited for Floyd's family," posted Hadyn Chesterfield.

"RACIAL EQUALITY, FINALLY!!!" shouted YouTuber, JohnnyGorgeo$.

The Big Tobacco's analysis of these and other, similar quotes boils down to this, with regard to the identity of the posts' authors:

Say it out loud if you're having trouble. Slowly.

With remarks from Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (also seen here), celebrations took off around the country, marking the official end of racism within its borders. Despite the laundry list of systemic problems and denials of those problems, many (white) people are finding that it is just a wonderful thing to be finished with ever having to discuss the problems of racism ever again.

GOP ON FUTURE POLICE SHOOTINGS: WE ARE ALL SINNERS AND DESERVING OF DEATH

 

Constable doing "God's work"

(Washington, DC) - With the nation reeling from three recent and highly publicized killings of civilians at the hands of police officers, calls for defunding departments across the country have grown in number and volume. A group of Republicans at all levels of the US government signed their names to a statement, preemptively excusing all acts of violence on the part of law enforcement in the future. The action was immediately condemned by anyone who can imagine being shot by police. However, signers of the statement were quick to defend their actions on religious grounds.

"Look, through one man, sin and death entered the world. We are all sinners and deserving of death," said Rep. Alex "Tex" McGrudy (R-GA). "This is just the way that the world is. If a policeman shoots you, and you die, it's because you're a sinner. I'm a firm believer in biblical truth, and if you're worried about the police, my suggestion is just that you get good with God. If a policeman shot me next week, I'd thank him because I'd be in heaven. You can't say what's going to happen out there. Blame the police? Please, blame yourselves, sinners. God's the ultimate judge, jury, and executioner. And brother, once you're dead, he's really going to execute you if you aren't good with the Lord Jesus Christ."

"He's kidding, right?" asked Rep. Brenda Herrera (D-CA). "This is just another attempt on the part of the GOP to hide its bigotry and predeliction for fascism behind religion. We cannot sit idly by and give police officers a pass on being as trigger happy as they are. It's a deeply cultural issue within police departments across the US. People like Representative McGrudy are making it even worse."

McGrudy could not be reached for further comment because he was loudly praying in a public place.

LICH PRINCE DEFEATED

 

No! My phylactery!

(London, UK) The British Royal Family released a statement saying that the Duke of Edinburgh and husband to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, died in 1995, having formed a pact with dark powers as a way of prolonging his own life. By surrendering his vital essence to evil, the Prince became undead and was able to continue practicing his diabolical arts, such as making comments like, "Do you still throw spears at each other?" in 2002 to an indigenous entrepreneur in Australia.

While the Prince's arcane powers and demonic consorts were a family secret for more than two decades, they announced that he had been defeated by an intrepid band of adventurers, notably a cleric and a ranger, this past Friday. After enchanting the ranger's blade, the cleric was able to keep the entity of pure evil occupied with a variety of white magic spells. Having located the phylactery in a crypt beneath Buckingham palace, the ranger and her associates were able to destroy it, ending the extracoporeal presence of the Duke of Edinburgh and allowing the cleric to exorcise his physical body.

While unconfirmed, it is rumored that Prince Philip's final words were: I'll have my revenge! Wait until you find out what's keeping the Queen around!!!

Satan: Do Not Associate Me With Nike

 

The swoosh logo is offensive to anyone with any sense of decency

(Ninth Circle) - In an unexpected move, Satan, Lucifer, the Fallen One, Lord of Darkness, the Original Serpent, has called a press conference with regard to the controversy surrounding hip hop artist, Lil Nas X's shoes. The customized pairs of Nike Air Max 97's adorned with satanic icons have drawn ire from both Christians and the shoe company itself. Speaking from the Inferno's frozen lake, Satan had this to say, "I want to make it clear that I have never had any affiliation with the Nike shoe company. Their labor practices are abhorrent, and Phil Knight is just a really, really bad guy. So, this is for all of you Christians who are cutting up the Nike merchandise: if you're fine with the way that corporate America functions until my name is brought up, you're part of the problem."

The Lord of Darkness would not comment directly on whether or not he and Lil Nas X were involved romantically, as was indicated in the video.

"Did you see the end? Spoiler alert: he kills me. Do you think that's indicative of me being in a relationship with the guy?"

When asked about the shoes again, Satan went on to say, "I have hooves. HOOVES. I don't wear shoes. I don't need them. If I did, I'd be sure that they weren't made in places that make this pit - and it is a pit - look like a Sunday afternoon tea party. Do you know what they're doing to the Uyghurs in those compounds? Of course not. If you're worried about a shoe sporting my logos, you probably don't even read. I will say it one more time: I am not now, nor have I ever been, involved with the Nike shoe company."