JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SERIOUSLY?

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding?

 

(An alternate timeline, I wish) After more than a yearlong hiatus from posting articles, the Big Tobacco will resume updates, though there has been no agreed upon schedule. When asked (by himself) for comment about the decision, the publication's sole contributor, Guy Geaux, had this to say, "What in the actual fuck? I mean, I always knew that people were stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone always says that, but there isn't really any bottom to how dumb we are, right? I figured that we'd survived the first four Trump years, but the world went and lost its goddamned mind again, and now, now, I don't know what to do. Not only is this asshole back, he's brought along the money-as-escape-velocity-from-inceldom mascot and his cadre of freakishly self-important boy children."

After rubbing his palms from his eyes to his forehead, staring into the middle distance for a few moments, and then, stroking his beard, Guy Geaux continued, "I'm bringing back the Big Tobacco because I don't know what else to do. Right now, as I am writing this, we've got people acting like this team of rejects from the 'Saved by the Bell' reboot are the fucking Brown Shirts, and all of the data breaches and ignored court decisions are like Kristallnacht. They aren't. But something probably will be. It's still early. The problem is that people have been so disenfranchised, overstimulated, and distanced from their own power to influence government that they don't know how to do anything but panic anymore, and Cheeto-dick and his sidekicks from Patheticville are taking advantage of that. Right now, it looks like they're being careful not to do anything physically violent, but as soon as they've closed down everything in government that doesn't directly support them, they will be the law. Once that happens, then they won't need any excuses because they won't be beholden to anyone. And that, my friends, is very fucking scary. I'm looking for ways to do anything else that I can, but this felt like a start." 

After rolling his eyes and looking longingly at a bottle of whiskey, he continued, "Is this one funny? Hell no. But maybe laughing at these assholes, which is what we ought to be able to do, should be part of the action against them. They're clowns - and not even good ones - and they deserve derisive laughter."

BIDEN SELLS 2024 VICTORY TO ISRAEL, ALONG WITH WEAPONS

This image was NOT AI generated. Really.

 (Washington, DC) Just days after the United States blocked a ceasefire resolution to help the embattled residents of Gaza, the Biden administration has decided to go ahead with a $106 million dollar sale of any chance that the current President will remain President after next year's election. Already, Biden's critics are blaming him for ongoing US involvement in Russia's war on the Ukraine. American Democrats, still trying to figure out if it can be considered antisemitic to cough in the presence of an Israeli, are conflicted about whether or not Palestinians should be alive.

"On the one hand, you've got this horrific attack by Hamas on October 7th," says Cory Booker, a democratic Senator from New Jersey. "On the other hand, you've got the real prospect of being called antisemitic by people if you say anything against the Israeli people. It might be tempting for us to come down on the side of, you know, not genocide, what with that being 'wrong' and all. But I want the soldiers in the IDF to know that I stand with them. I do. Right now, we're at almost 18,000 deaths there. That's more than ten times the number of people that the Hamas attack killed. I think we can do better. I think we can hit 30,000."

Donald Trump weighed in against his assumed contender for the Presidency in 2024, saying this:

Look, Biden's weak. We all know it. We all know it. He's weak on Ukraine. Weak on Russia. Weak on his son's laptop. He's just weak and feeble and an election stealer. If I were President, there wouldn't even be a Gaza. I'd have armed the Israelis so well that if Hezbollah so much as farted in their direction, we'd be looking at a parking lot clear to the ocean. That's right folks: one big, beautiful parking lot for a mall. Piles of skeletons underneath, but you can't see skeletons under a parking lot. You can't. And so, this is how it goes, ladies and gentlemen, weak Biden with his under 20k corpses in Gaza. Bibi, you know me. You know I wanted you to beat those corruption charges without having to let Hummus take a pot shot at your people. And what is Hummus anyway? Chickpeas, folks. That's what it is: chickpeas. These chicks, with their peas, they're trying to take away our kids' sports, folks. You know that? It's true. They're trying to put men in our kids sports. Transage-ist they're calling it.

The comment lingered on with nothing more comprehensible. Trump supporters were quick to point out the aging current President's purported declining mental stability.

When reached for comment, President Biden's administration released this statement:

Due to the horrific nature of the attack on October 7th, the United States is standing by Israel, our ally, no matter what may occur. Whether that be the destruction of an entire people, the reviling of our country by the entire international community, or me, losing the Presidency next year because no one who believes that the residents of Gaza are human beings will vote for me now. We are committed. We are supporting our ally, even if it ends up being our last one left. President Zelensky, I wish you good luck. You're going to need it. We have a newer, easier enemy to fight. This battle is one we can win.

The sale of the Presidency will net Israel much needed tank ammunition as it takes on more and more buildings, children without shoes, and-

[Message cut off due to Patriot Act 2.0, clause XV: Any US resident speaking ill of US involvement in any overseas operation, military or civilian, will be subject to immediate internment and interrogation.]

Writers for the Big Tobacco were asked for comment, but they were too busy doing this:

Radical dude! We're waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay!

MAN WHO HAS NEVER READ A BOOK HAS CONCERNS ABOUT WHAT CHILDREN ARE READING

(Quartain, TX) As 2023 sees new laws coming into effect all over the nation, a number of cultural battles are being highlighted. Among them, concerned teachers, parents, and students are having to justify their choices when it comes to what is appropriate for students to read. One Texas man is speaking out about what he feels are poor choices in our public education system.

"It seems to me," says Erik Dimarco, cryptocurrency enthusiast and YouTube viewer, "that if you teach our kids about what sex is, they're eventually going to want to have it. I mean, it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. They taught us about sex as early as the fourth grade, and the next thing you know, I'm thirty-six and I still really want to just, you know, get laid. I've seen videos of people doing it, and it looks amazing. This one time..."

Dimarco went on to describe, in graphic detail, a pornographic video that he watched instead of reading anything, which he has never done.

"They tried to make us read books in school, but I was too much of a free thinker," he continued. "I couldn't be stuck on some page for hours at a time. People who do that... I think there's just something wrong with them. But yeah, I heard that there's porno in books now, too. That's just polluting kids' minds. And how do we know what those kids are reading? We'd have to read the books, too, just to stay on top of them. It's just mind-blowing to me that we've got teachers out there who are telling kids that they should be able to read what they want. Is that really what we want to do? Is that really who we are? What if a kid reads about a gay and he turns into a gay?"

When pressed for detail about whether or not this can happen, Dimarco said that he wasn't sure, but he wasn't about to read a book to find out.

YAY!!! 2023 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

 

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2022 as the fifth warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2023 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

Editor's note: Recognize this article? Yes! It's a repost from 2019! Ha ha ha ha ha... We had no idea what was going to happen in 2020 at that point - imagine!

GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: COLLECTIVE EYE-ROLLING RECORD MAY NEVER BE BEATEN

(Mar-a-Lago, FL) At around 9:00 PM EST, global eye-rolling became audible along with the groans of more than four billion people. Arhab Pasha of Karachi, Pakistan, claims to have heard the noise at 7 AM (GMT+5) and had this to say, "It was very strange. One moment, everything is completely quiet. Out of nowhere I heard a sound like a blink - you know the little 'pop' your eyes make when you open and shut them? But it was somehow louder and softer at the same time. Like something sliding. Yes. Like that. There came with it a kind of groan, you know?" 

The phenomenon was not isolated. In Almaty, Kazakhistan, Dastan Orazev reported something similar, as did Russell Tipton in Leeds, UK. All over the world, it is estimated that 4.6 billion people collectively rolled their eyes and let out some form of exasperated sigh. Perhaps unsurprisingly, at the exact same time, former President and current Florida man, Donald Trump, announced yesterday that he would be running for President of the United States of America again in 2024. This comes on the heels of a close and divisive midterm election season that, with a runoff election in Georgia and some states still counting their ballots, is not yet over. While having a likely lock on the House of Representatives, Republicans have not performed as well as many pollsters had forecasted. At the heart of this is the forty-fifth President, who many see as having sown division into his own party, with a split opinion on the 2020 election, January 6th, and how deep a potential veneer of human decency should be at the forefront of disagreements in America's right wing.

The Guinness Book of World Records has called into question whether this many people will ever collectively roll their eyes again, as a potential Trump win in 2024 could significantly decrease world population through thermonuclear war, climate change, mass suicide, a wet bulb die off, what author Kurt Vonnegut described as "thousand mile stare," or any combination of these and more.

Good luck to you all.

US SUPREME COURT CELEBRATES MOTHER'S DAY: SOON ALL WOMEN WILL BE MOTHERS!

(Washington, DC) The news source Politico claimed to have obtained a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision, authored by Justice Alito. The decision would overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which holds that women in the United States have the fundamental right to an abortion. Recent rulings by lower courts in Texas and Oklahoma challenge the precedent and could criminalize the procedure for both doctors and patients. While upset that the decision leaked, Chief Justice Roberts has issued the following statement:

"It is unconscionable to me that a breach of protocol of this nature has exposed some of the most sensitive inner workings of the Court. This was supposed to be a Mother's Day present to the United States of America. After all, how best to celebrate motherhood than to assure all women in America that they'll soon be mothers? This was supposed to be a surprise! Now, it's all ruined, and you're going to have liberals throwing protests and crying in the streets over whether or not they should do what their bodies really want them to do. We're going to find out just who ruined this and make them pay. It will be a firm justice and a fair one. That is what I, a white conservative male, have been appointed for a lifetime to do, mete out what I believe justice to be. It was what I was born for, clearly. To illustrate how fair I am, I would like to point out that even in this leaked document, I, alone among conservative justices, did not support a complete reversal of precedent here. After all, what if there's, like, a really hot mistress who gets knocked up? I mean, she can't have a baby. If she did, that would just be a total waste of some really hot tail. And what's that going to do to any congressman or businessman who cannot get that Taken Care Of? That's going to affect us right up to the highest levels of government and business. The jobs and places of the common people could be disrupted."

While the Court said that the decision was not final, it did not deny the authenticity of the leaked document. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan were not present for comment, as they were being fitted for the garments of Marthas, while Justice Coney Barret was seen to be in talks with a training center to orient Aunts for the coming of the nation of Gilead, popularized in the collective conservative consciousness by Canadian writer Margaret Atwood.

CDC TO RECOMMEND IGNORING HEALTH PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY

(Atlanta, GA) - Just days after the CDC lowered its recommended quarantine time for coronavirus exposure, from ten days to five, the agency has come up with a single new guideline for sick Americans. The initial change in its stance included the admission that the reduction in its recommended isolation period was due to pressure from industry barons and their counterparts in government. It also included guidelines for mask usage that will change absolutely nothing for the people who are and are not wearing masks.

"At this point," said Dr. Anthony Fauci, "People are just going to do whatever the fuck they have been doing. I'm sick to death - almost literally - of all of these assholes pretending that there's nothing that can be done while they never even tried to follow a single fucking guideline that we've put out from day one. Yeah, we're lowering the recommended time period as a futile attempt to get a bunch of morons to at least try something against a plague that's killed more Americans than military combat." The eighty-one year-old doctor sighed in frustration and then made several noises that sounded close to crying. "You know what? You know what?" he shreiked. "Just ignore it. Just ignore the fact that all the carousing and lack of awareness out there is going to undermine the vaccines - which were our best shot at shutting this thing down - ignore the fact that you're quite literally killing the people around you with your stubborn desire to express your 'freedom.' Just ignore all your health problems until they go away. Diabetes? Dia-what? Cancer? Cancelled. Heart disease? Hearing who? Screw it. Do your own thing. It's what you were all going to do anyway. Get your medical advice from Dr. Oz. See how well a himalayan salt cleanse stacks up against AIDS. Just forget all the things we've said and done for you as a society when it comes to medicine. May God have mercy on your souls, you slouching, idiotic sacks of meat."

The Biden administration has apparently taken this as a victory against the COVID-19 pandemic.

UNITES STATES OPENS SEASON ON PROTESTORS

The real tragedy

(Kenosha, WI) Kyle Rittenhouse and his defense team are celebrating his acquittal of all charges in connection to the shootings in Kenosha, WI. With this precedent, it can be expected that anyone who feels threatened by protests - even those who are not in their state, near them, or actually threatening in any substantial way - will be exonerated from charges up to and including murder. The gestalt effect of this will be, no doubt, an open season on any and all dissenting parties. Stock in Colt, Glock, and Beretta have already nearly doubled.
Henry "Enrique" Tarrio of the Proud Boys had this to say: “We’ve been waiting. Remember what Donald Trump said? ‘Stand back and stand by.’ Well, here we go! We’ve been standing back and standing by, and now, it’s time to roll, baby! Lock and load! All you BLM folks better run!”
Susan N. Herman of the ACLU responded, “What in the flying f-”
She was cut off when her broadcast was shut down by a group of skinheads, KKK members, QAnon cultists, and Republicans who claimed to be “totally reasonable people.” These self-proclaimed “non-protesting, anti-protestors” riddled the broadcasting station with bullets, destroying all of the equipment inside and wounding two interns. As a preemptive legal defense, all sixteen of the white men who fired AR-15s into the studio said that they felt threatened by the ACLU president’s words. They blubbered furiously as they recalled the five syllables she was able to utter before the transmission’s signal was cut. When Herman tried to point out that she was merely exercising her First Amendment rights, the armed assailants responded that they were using their Second Amendment rights and that two is larger than one. After the pure sophistry of the statement killed the three sentient beings closest to it, Herman pointed out the nonsensical nature of their reply. All of the white men involved began crying and were exonerated immediately of all crimes, given mugs of warm milk, pats on the head, and told that they were really very good Proud Boys.

WORLD GRINDS TO A HALT AS BIG TOBACCO HALTS WEEKLY UPDATES

...but he was our Pagliacci...

(Greensboro, NC) - Local teacher, bar patron, miscreant, and pet wrangler, Guy Geaux, has revealed that he will cease weekly updates of The Big Tobacco. The move has prompted everyone from sociologists to Doomsday enthusiasts to say things like, "Who? The Big What?"

Finishing off his second beer of the evening, the writer had this to say:

"Look, we're all dead at the end of it. I just don't care anymore. Stuff's so insane that making fun of it... well... It isn't fun anymore. Will I still do this crap? Yeah, probably. Just don't come looking for it every week. That's assuming that anyone really ever did come crawling out of whatever gutter they live in to get on this page for updates. I mean, I'm still going to do other stuff - I'm not just going to rewatch 'Battlestar Gallactica' until I die. It's just that I suck at self-promotion. I started up a store and junk for this, but I can't shill the way that a lot of people shill. Maybe, my stuff sucks. Who knows? I mean, really, who can turn an critical eye on their own work and say, for certain, that it's good or bad? I waffle back and forth between thinking that maybe I've got something and that maybe it's all crap. At any rate, between the inundation of satire, the world going macrame-for-dinner crazy, and a lack of real response... well... It's not as fun as it used to be. At this point, I've got a lot on my plate. Remember, I'm one of those hero teachers that is so selfish that I wanted a vaccine before going back into the classroom."

When pressed for further comment, Guy Geaux found that he was talking to himself. Apparently, his "two" beers had been a lot more than that. He lit a cigarette and let it burn out into the ashtray while he cried into the crook of his elbow.

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NOT NEARLY AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS

  

Not an actual depiction.

(Washington, DC) - As US Democrats and Republicans bloody each other over yet another impeding shutdown, political analysts and historians are cautioning the public on its enthusiasm for seizing the means of production and incinerating the powers that hold them down. Recent history has shown that a government shutdown means more that certain government workers will not be paid, but Congress can and will work together to hold back consequences for themselves.

"I feel like," sighed Dr. Julian Carlsbad, the chair of the history department at Federal University of California at Fresno, "this is really ought to go without saying, but I feel like I have to say it because our general public doesn't seem to understand that when the Congress allows the government to go unfunded, it's not going to affect them in any way that really means anything - except as a political football. You're not going to get to burn down Mitch McConnell's house or blow up Pelosi's car. Police bullets are always going to be funded."

Professor Carlsbad watched the tremors flow through his hand, swallowed, and returned his gaze to somewhere beyond the window. He continued, "Look at how the Republicans who were calling on Trump to own the shutdown are the same ones decrying the ineptness of the Biden administration in allowing one to happen. It's very nearly the opposite on the opposite side of the aisle. Democrats are upbraiding the Republicans for playing politics with the country's finances. Just like they said that they wouldn't back down against the Trump administration when the shoe was on the other foot. Don't get me wrong, it's not an equivalency; I just am getting to the point where even I can't really imagine how much worse the country would be without these people."

"It's truly amazing what we can accomplish when we work together," said Mitch McConnell, smiling as he kissed Nancy Pelosi on the mouth.

"It's wonderful darling," she replied. "It's not as though a we have anything to do with governing."

"This is a true representative democracy," cackled the two people who would never live to see Washington, DC consumed by the Potomac. "US citizens cannot agree on getting rid of us, so really, you have only yourselves to blame."

Bernie Sanders couldn't be found for comment on the subject, as his grimacing lower lip had swallowed the rest of his body.