THREE SUITS TO PLACATE A NARCISSIST AND PREVENT YOUR PEOPLE FROM GETTING BUTCHERED

Even without context, this feels uncomfortable

(Washington, DC) After a press appearance that can only be described as baffling to people who have been paying no attention to recent actions on the part of the Trump administration, a group of fat, stupid, and safe career politicians in Washington, DC ran out of criticisms for a man who has been trying to stop an insane dictator from overrunning any and all boundaries with the hard bought blood of his own people. So, they decided to criticize his outfits. In response, the Big Tobacco has put together some suggestions:

1. The Power Suit

This suit gives me the power I didn't have

The obvious move would have been for President Zelensky to wear a power suit. It shows that you mean business, that you're serious, that you somehow believe that your participation in a system that puts your fashion sense over the lives of your people will actually translate to their salvation. This is the choice of the rich and famous. This is the choice of the powerful. This is the choice of the people who help the horrendous military industrial complex make enough money to stop world poverty but also makes it against their interest to do so. It's unbelievable that he wouldn't have made this choice. Even the person JD Vance pretends that he used to be would understand this.

2. The Hair Shirt

Ever try to ask for something in Armani?

 

All Donald Trump wanted was an act of humiliation and a complete capitulation to Putin. Was that really so much to ask? All Zelensky had to do was get down on his knees and beg, plead, cast ashes over his head. Is it really so much for the leader of a free country - if it is truly free - to grovel a bit? Is your dignity too much to ask? Donald Trump, a humble but proud man, has sacrificed so much for his country. He is very understanding of those who would do the same. You just have to ask beg (like, beg hard.)

 

I thought he was naked? Am I some kind of pervert?

 3) The King's New Clothes

 You had to have seen this coming. Obviously, you could interpret this as some weird sexual thing, and that I'm saying that Zelensky should have shown up naked. No. That's not what this is. It's simply a reference to pretending something is there when it isn't. I'm, perhaps wrongly, equating 0 with ∅ -  no clothes are different than the reality of there not being clothes on this blue planet that would have made the Zelensky/Trump discussion anything other than a pretext for Trump to write off the entire population of Ukraine. After all, the President had been planning to sell out the country to Vladimir Putin, a man whom he simultaneously fears, loves, and envies. Who knows what he might have done? This third choice is an acknowledgement that not even Joseph's Technicolor Dream Coat could have saved a meeting that was entirely scuttled by one side. I mean... Trump mentioned orcs and the Biden administration... Did we watch a stroke on live television? Are we the monsters?

Nah.

ON BREATHING MACHINE, POPE FRANCIS TRIES TO GET RIGHT WITH GOD

 

 

 

Imagine a voice at the intersection of Mario and Emperor Palpatine

 (Vatican City) The Vatican has confirmed that Pope Francis had an isolated respiratory crisis on Friday. However, the spokesperson claims that the crisis is now over. The 88 year-old pontiff has been in the hospital since February 14th but responded well to having  been on a mechanical ventilator, despite the fact that the device was created by scientists. The aging religious figure's worsening health has prompted what many have called an eleventh hour attempt to "get right with God."

"I haven't got much time left," said Pope Francis. "I don't want to go to, you know, the bad place. The problem is that I look at all of the religions out there and think, Christ, which one is right? I mean, it can't be ours. We defend pedophiles, extort money from people who are dying of parasites that you could barely imagine, and I'm sitting on a gold fucking throne - a gold fucking throne. Can you believe that? So, I guess, I gotta figure out who to pray to - you know before it's curtains. It's just so crazy. I never thought I'd be in this position."

For the past decade, Pope Francis has been the face of a much more liberal church. Even still, many Catholics have admitted to confusion at this turn of events. As the head of their religion, church dogma makes him the mouthpiece of God.

"I can't understand how he can say such things," said Mother Frederica Tagliaferra, the Mother Superior of Our Lady of the Cross Convent in Boston, MA. "Millions and millions of people have dedicated their lives to the very doctrine that he appears to be abandoning. But, I suppose, it's better late than never." Afterwards, she tore off her habit and wimple, downed an entire bottle of Banker's Club vodka and did three lines of cocaine off of the posterior of a sex worker.

When asked for further comment, Pope Francis merely said, "I don't know man, maybe, I'll be, like, a Unitarian. They seem cool."

DOGE TEAM CHILDREN RETURN TO GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS WITH PARENTAL PERMISSION SLIPS

The TV show "Old Enough" has a new cast!

(Washington, DC) In what some would call a vulgar display of power, Elon Musk's DOGE team has returned to a number of government buildings, brandishing permission slips from their parents. These signed pieces of paper indicate that the boys' parents have consented to their sons entering secure areas to perform duties ambiguously defined as, "computer stuff." Cries for transparency, accountability, and oversight flood in from senior government officials, the press, and the US citizenry. In response to this, Edward Coristine had this to say:

"If they don't like it, they'll have to take that up with my mommy. Just, uh, don't, um, tell her that they, ah, call me... Big Balls. She'll take my phone away again. I hate that."

House democrats called the move unorthodox but also asked if the various mothers were amenable to a midterm election challenge, citing that they could not find anything legally prohibiting the move. When pressed, lawmakers produced the same rule book that allowed for the dog to play basketball in "Air Bud." Senate Majority Leader, John Thune, had this to say:

"We're very proud of these boys. They have tied their shoelaces very tight, engaged in fair play, and are good sports. It's incredible that the left-wing, mainstream media continues to present their actions as anything other than their best efforts. What are we telling our children, that their best isn't good enough? I have personally seen them trying very hard, and that needs to be rewarded with praise, not transparency."

Neither President Trump nor Elon Musk were available for comment, as they were in a private meeting, where it is rumored that they are comparing penis sizes. Matt Gaetz has asked the DOGE team if they can introduce him to any of their classmates' younger siblings.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SERIOUSLY?

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding?

 

(An alternate timeline, I wish) After more than a yearlong hiatus from posting articles, the Big Tobacco will resume updates, though there has been no agreed upon schedule. When asked (by himself) for comment about the decision, the publication's sole contributor, Guy Geaux, had this to say, "What in the actual fuck? I mean, I always knew that people were stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone always says that, but there isn't really any bottom to how dumb we are, right? I figured that we'd survived the first four Trump years, but the world went and lost its goddamned mind again, and now, now, I don't know what to do. Not only is this asshole back, he's brought along the money-as-escape-velocity-from-inceldom mascot and his cadre of freakishly self-important boy children."

After rubbing his palms from his eyes to his forehead, staring into the middle distance for a few moments, and then, stroking his beard, Guy Geaux continued, "I'm bringing back the Big Tobacco because I don't know what else to do. Right now, as I am writing this, we've got people acting like this team of rejects from the 'Saved by the Bell' reboot are the fucking Brown Shirts, and all of the data breaches and ignored court decisions are like Kristallnacht. They aren't. But something probably will be. It's still early. The problem is that people have been so disenfranchised, overstimulated, and distanced from their own power to influence government that they don't know how to do anything but panic anymore, and Cheeto-dick and his sidekicks from Patheticville are taking advantage of that. Right now, it looks like they're being careful not to do anything physically violent, but as soon as they've closed down everything in government that doesn't directly support them, they will be the law. Once that happens, then they won't need any excuses because they won't be beholden to anyone. And that, my friends, is very fucking scary. I'm looking for ways to do anything else that I can, but this felt like a start." 

After rolling his eyes and looking longingly at a bottle of whiskey, he continued, "Is this one funny? Hell no. But maybe laughing at these assholes, which is what we ought to be able to do, should be part of the action against them. They're clowns - and not even good ones - and they deserve derisive laughter."

BIDEN SELLS 2024 VICTORY TO ISRAEL, ALONG WITH WEAPONS

This image was NOT AI generated. Really.

 (Washington, DC) Just days after the United States blocked a ceasefire resolution to help the embattled residents of Gaza, the Biden administration has decided to go ahead with a $106 million dollar sale of any chance that the current President will remain President after next year's election. Already, Biden's critics are blaming him for ongoing US involvement in Russia's war on the Ukraine. American Democrats, still trying to figure out if it can be considered antisemitic to cough in the presence of an Israeli, are conflicted about whether or not Palestinians should be alive.

"On the one hand, you've got this horrific attack by Hamas on October 7th," says Cory Booker, a democratic Senator from New Jersey. "On the other hand, you've got the real prospect of being called antisemitic by people if you say anything against the Israeli people. It might be tempting for us to come down on the side of, you know, not genocide, what with that being 'wrong' and all. But I want the soldiers in the IDF to know that I stand with them. I do. Right now, we're at almost 18,000 deaths there. That's more than ten times the number of people that the Hamas attack killed. I think we can do better. I think we can hit 30,000."

Donald Trump weighed in against his assumed contender for the Presidency in 2024, saying this:

Look, Biden's weak. We all know it. We all know it. He's weak on Ukraine. Weak on Russia. Weak on his son's laptop. He's just weak and feeble and an election stealer. If I were President, there wouldn't even be a Gaza. I'd have armed the Israelis so well that if Hezbollah so much as farted in their direction, we'd be looking at a parking lot clear to the ocean. That's right folks: one big, beautiful parking lot for a mall. Piles of skeletons underneath, but you can't see skeletons under a parking lot. You can't. And so, this is how it goes, ladies and gentlemen, weak Biden with his under 20k corpses in Gaza. Bibi, you know me. You know I wanted you to beat those corruption charges without having to let Hummus take a pot shot at your people. And what is Hummus anyway? Chickpeas, folks. That's what it is: chickpeas. These chicks, with their peas, they're trying to take away our kids' sports, folks. You know that? It's true. They're trying to put men in our kids sports. Transage-ist they're calling it.

The comment lingered on with nothing more comprehensible. Trump supporters were quick to point out the aging current President's purported declining mental stability.

When reached for comment, President Biden's administration released this statement:

Due to the horrific nature of the attack on October 7th, the United States is standing by Israel, our ally, no matter what may occur. Whether that be the destruction of an entire people, the reviling of our country by the entire international community, or me, losing the Presidency next year because no one who believes that the residents of Gaza are human beings will vote for me now. We are committed. We are supporting our ally, even if it ends up being our last one left. President Zelensky, I wish you good luck. You're going to need it. We have a newer, easier enemy to fight. This battle is one we can win.

The sale of the Presidency will net Israel much needed tank ammunition as it takes on more and more buildings, children without shoes, and-

[Message cut off due to Patriot Act 2.0, clause XV: Any US resident speaking ill of US involvement in any overseas operation, military or civilian, will be subject to immediate internment and interrogation.]

Writers for the Big Tobacco were asked for comment, but they were too busy doing this:

Radical dude! We're waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay!

MAN WHO HAS NEVER READ A BOOK HAS CONCERNS ABOUT WHAT CHILDREN ARE READING

(Quartain, TX) As 2023 sees new laws coming into effect all over the nation, a number of cultural battles are being highlighted. Among them, concerned teachers, parents, and students are having to justify their choices when it comes to what is appropriate for students to read. One Texas man is speaking out about what he feels are poor choices in our public education system.

"It seems to me," says Erik Dimarco, cryptocurrency enthusiast and YouTube viewer, "that if you teach our kids about what sex is, they're eventually going to want to have it. I mean, it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. They taught us about sex as early as the fourth grade, and the next thing you know, I'm thirty-six and I still really want to just, you know, get laid. I've seen videos of people doing it, and it looks amazing. This one time..."

Dimarco went on to describe, in graphic detail, a pornographic video that he watched instead of reading anything, which he has never done.

"They tried to make us read books in school, but I was too much of a free thinker," he continued. "I couldn't be stuck on some page for hours at a time. People who do that... I think there's just something wrong with them. But yeah, I heard that there's porno in books now, too. That's just polluting kids' minds. And how do we know what those kids are reading? We'd have to read the books, too, just to stay on top of them. It's just mind-blowing to me that we've got teachers out there who are telling kids that they should be able to read what they want. Is that really what we want to do? Is that really who we are? What if a kid reads about a gay and he turns into a gay?"

When pressed for detail about whether or not this can happen, Dimarco said that he wasn't sure, but he wasn't about to read a book to find out.

YAY!!! 2024 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!

 

(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2022 as the fifth warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2024 are high.
The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.
"Eternal summer? What could be better?" asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.
"Warmer weather is, like, more, you know, good for plants and stuff, isn't it?" pointed out Bill Greene, a local GED aspirant and Sandhall's only amateur tour guide.
His opinion has been echoed by those on Capitol Hill. Moreover, it reflects a shift in responses to Climate Change, something vehemently denied by many Republican politicians.
"As we see public perception of the warming phenomenon change, along with some of my colleagues' arrival at a middle school level of scientific literacy, it's going to become important for us as a culture to recontextualize the idea of a warming world," said Rep. Steve White (R - TX). He went into further detail, saying, "Instead of James Inhofe bringing a snowball onto the Senate floor, we're looking more at the silver lining. I mean, who doesn't like summer? When I was a boy, we loved it. Beach trips. Girls in bikinis. No school. I mean, this is a win-win if we play it right."
In response, Rep. Susan Gordon (D - VT) fired back, "Are you kidding me? You know warmer temperatures mean more droughts, more and stronger hurricanes, desertification, destruction at all levels!"
Republicans, however, were too captivated with White's words to issue a response, as they were already in talks to draft an "Endless Summer Bill" that would end public education forever, thereby creating a space for even larger tax cuts, ending politically charged teacher's strikes, and ensuring that future generations would not have access to information or reasoning skills that might lay the blame for catastrophic societal and anthropological shift on the backs of those who not only did nothing to prevent it but actively tried to silence activists in favor of their own interests.

Editor's note: Recognize this article? Yes! It's a repost from 2019! Ha ha ha ha ha... We had no idea what was going to happen in 2020 at that point - imagine!

GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: COLLECTIVE EYE-ROLLING RECORD MAY NEVER BE BEATEN

(Mar-a-Lago, FL) At around 9:00 PM EST, global eye-rolling became audible along with the groans of more than four billion people. Arhab Pasha of Karachi, Pakistan, claims to have heard the noise at 7 AM (GMT+5) and had this to say, "It was very strange. One moment, everything is completely quiet. Out of nowhere I heard a sound like a blink - you know the little 'pop' your eyes make when you open and shut them? But it was somehow louder and softer at the same time. Like something sliding. Yes. Like that. There came with it a kind of groan, you know?" 

The phenomenon was not isolated. In Almaty, Kazakhistan, Dastan Orazev reported something similar, as did Russell Tipton in Leeds, UK. All over the world, it is estimated that 4.6 billion people collectively rolled their eyes and let out some form of exasperated sigh. Perhaps unsurprisingly, at the exact same time, former President and current Florida man, Donald Trump, announced yesterday that he would be running for President of the United States of America again in 2024. This comes on the heels of a close and divisive midterm election season that, with a runoff election in Georgia and some states still counting their ballots, is not yet over. While having a likely lock on the House of Representatives, Republicans have not performed as well as many pollsters had forecasted. At the heart of this is the forty-fifth President, who many see as having sown division into his own party, with a split opinion on the 2020 election, January 6th, and how deep a potential veneer of human decency should be at the forefront of disagreements in America's right wing.

The Guinness Book of World Records has called into question whether this many people will ever collectively roll their eyes again, as a potential Trump win in 2024 could significantly decrease world population through thermonuclear war, climate change, mass suicide, a wet bulb die off, what author Kurt Vonnegut described as "thousand mile stare," or any combination of these and more.

Good luck to you all.

US SUPREME COURT CELEBRATES MOTHER'S DAY: SOON ALL WOMEN WILL BE MOTHERS!

(Washington, DC) The news source Politico claimed to have obtained a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision, authored by Justice Alito. The decision would overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which holds that women in the United States have the fundamental right to an abortion. Recent rulings by lower courts in Texas and Oklahoma challenge the precedent and could criminalize the procedure for both doctors and patients. While upset that the decision leaked, Chief Justice Roberts has issued the following statement:

"It is unconscionable to me that a breach of protocol of this nature has exposed some of the most sensitive inner workings of the Court. This was supposed to be a Mother's Day present to the United States of America. After all, how best to celebrate motherhood than to assure all women in America that they'll soon be mothers? This was supposed to be a surprise! Now, it's all ruined, and you're going to have liberals throwing protests and crying in the streets over whether or not they should do what their bodies really want them to do. We're going to find out just who ruined this and make them pay. It will be a firm justice and a fair one. That is what I, a white conservative male, have been appointed for a lifetime to do, mete out what I believe justice to be. It was what I was born for, clearly. To illustrate how fair I am, I would like to point out that even in this leaked document, I, alone among conservative justices, did not support a complete reversal of precedent here. After all, what if there's, like, a really hot mistress who gets knocked up? I mean, she can't have a baby. If she did, that would just be a total waste of some really hot tail. And what's that going to do to any congressman or businessman who cannot get that Taken Care Of? That's going to affect us right up to the highest levels of government and business. The jobs and places of the common people could be disrupted."

While the Court said that the decision was not final, it did not deny the authenticity of the leaked document. Justices Sotomayor and Kagan were not present for comment, as they were being fitted for the garments of Marthas, while Justice Coney Barret was seen to be in talks with a training center to orient Aunts for the coming of the nation of Gilead, popularized in the collective conservative consciousness by Canadian writer Margaret Atwood.

CDC TO RECOMMEND IGNORING HEALTH PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY

(Atlanta, GA) - Just days after the CDC lowered its recommended quarantine time for coronavirus exposure, from ten days to five, the agency has come up with a single new guideline for sick Americans. The initial change in its stance included the admission that the reduction in its recommended isolation period was due to pressure from industry barons and their counterparts in government. It also included guidelines for mask usage that will change absolutely nothing for the people who are and are not wearing masks.

"At this point," said Dr. Anthony Fauci, "People are just going to do whatever the fuck they have been doing. I'm sick to death - almost literally - of all of these assholes pretending that there's nothing that can be done while they never even tried to follow a single fucking guideline that we've put out from day one. Yeah, we're lowering the recommended time period as a futile attempt to get a bunch of morons to at least try something against a plague that's killed more Americans than military combat." The eighty-one year-old doctor sighed in frustration and then made several noises that sounded close to crying. "You know what? You know what?" he shreiked. "Just ignore it. Just ignore the fact that all the carousing and lack of awareness out there is going to undermine the vaccines - which were our best shot at shutting this thing down - ignore the fact that you're quite literally killing the people around you with your stubborn desire to express your 'freedom.' Just ignore all your health problems until they go away. Diabetes? Dia-what? Cancer? Cancelled. Heart disease? Hearing who? Screw it. Do your own thing. It's what you were all going to do anyway. Get your medical advice from Dr. Oz. See how well a himalayan salt cleanse stacks up against AIDS. Just forget all the things we've said and done for you as a society when it comes to medicine. May God have mercy on your souls, you slouching, idiotic sacks of meat."

The Biden administration has apparently taken this as a victory against the COVID-19 pandemic.