THREE SUITS TO PLACATE A NARCISSIST AND PREVENT YOUR PEOPLE FROM GETTING BUTCHERED
Even without context, this feels uncomfortable (Washington, DC) After a press appearance that can only be described as baffling to people who have been paying no attention to recent actions on the part of the Trump administration, a group of fat, stupid, and safe career politicians in Washington, DC ran out of criticisms for a…
DOGE TEAM CHILDREN RETURN TO GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS WITH PARENTAL PERMISSION SLIPS
The TV show “Old Enough” has a new cast! (Washington, DC) In what some would call a vulgar display of power, Elon Musk’s DOGE team has returned to a number of government buildings, brandishing permission slips from their parents. These signed pieces of paper indicate that the boys’ parents have consented to their sons entering…
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SERIOUSLY?
Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding? (An alternate timeline, I wish) After more than a yearlong hiatus from posting articles, the Big Tobacco will resume updates, though there has been no agreed upon schedule. When asked (by himself) for comment about the decision, the publication’s sole contributor, Guy Geaux,…
BIDEN SELLS 2024 VICTORY TO ISRAEL, ALONG WITH WEAPONS
This image was NOT AI generated. Really. (Washington, DC) Just days after the United States blocked a ceasefire resolution to help the embattled residents of Gaza, the Biden administration has decided to go ahead with a $106 million dollar sale of any chance that the current President will remain President after next year’s election. Already,…
MAN WHO HAS NEVER READ A BOOK HAS CONCERNS ABOUT WHAT CHILDREN ARE READING
(Quartain, TX) As 2023 sees new laws coming into effect all over the nation, a number of cultural battles are being highlighted. Among them, concerned teachers, parents, and students are having to justify their choices when it comes to what is appropriate for students to read. One Texas man is speaking out about what he…
YAY!!! 2024 EXPECTED TO BE WARMEST YEAR YET!
(Worldwide) With climatologists ranking 2022 as the fifth warmest year since record keeping of this kind began, the expectations for average temperature in 2024 are high.The report has met with an ecstatic response from summer enthusiasts all over the world.“Eternal summer? What could be better?” asked surf shop owner Hal Fenwick, of Sandhall, SC.“Warmer…
Introduction to Ignition
Frank McCourt wrote that F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote that there are no second acts in American lives. The former followed this by suggesting that the latter did not live long enough to have one. As of this recording, I’m four years shy of forty-four, the age where the latter of the two aforementioned authors drank…
GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS: COLLECTIVE EYE-ROLLING RECORD MAY NEVER BE BEATEN
(Mar-a-Lago, FL) At around 9:00 PM EST, global eye-rolling became audible along with the groans of more than four billion people. Arhab Pasha of Karachi, Pakistan, claims to have heard the noise at 7 AM (GMT+5) and had this to say, “It was very strange. One moment, everything is completely quiet. Out of nowhere I…
US SUPREME COURT CELEBRATES MOTHER’S DAY: SOON ALL WOMEN WILL BE MOTHERS!
(Washington, DC) The news source Politico claimed to have obtained a leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision, authored by Justice Alito. The decision would overturn the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which holds that women in the United States have the fundamental right to an abortion. Recent rulings by lower courts in Texas and…
CDC TO RECOMMEND IGNORING HEALTH PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY
(Atlanta, GA) – Just days after the CDC lowered its recommended quarantine time for coronavirus exposure, from ten days to five, the agency has come up with a single new guideline for sick Americans. The initial change in its stance included the admission that the reduction in its recommended isolation period was due to pressure…
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