THREE SUITS TO PLACATE A NARCISSIST AND PREVENT YOUR PEOPLE FROM GETTING BUTCHERED

Even without context, this feels uncomfortable

(Washington, DC) After a press appearance that can only be described as baffling to people who have been paying no attention to recent actions on the part of the Trump administration, a group of fat, stupid, and safe career politicians in Washington, DC ran out of criticisms for a man who has been trying to stop an insane dictator from overrunning any and all boundaries with the hard bought blood of his own people. So, they decided to criticize his outfits. In response, the Big Tobacco has put together some suggestions:

1. The Power Suit

This suit gives me the power I didn't have

The obvious move would have been for President Zelensky to wear a power suit. It shows that you mean business, that you're serious, that you somehow believe that your participation in a system that puts your fashion sense over the lives of your people will actually translate to their salvation. This is the choice of the rich and famous. This is the choice of the powerful. This is the choice of the people who help the horrendous military industrial complex make enough money to stop world poverty but also makes it against their interest to do so. It's unbelievable that he wouldn't have made this choice. Even the person JD Vance pretends that he used to be would understand this.

2. The Hair Shirt

Ever try to ask for something in Armani?

 

All Donald Trump wanted was an act of humiliation and a complete capitulation to Putin. Was that really so much to ask? All Zelensky had to do was get down on his knees and beg, plead, cast ashes over his head. Is it really so much for the leader of a free country - if it is truly free - to grovel a bit? Is your dignity too much to ask? Donald Trump, a humble but proud man, has sacrificed so much for his country. He is very understanding of those who would do the same. You just have to ask beg (like, beg hard.)

 

I thought he was naked? Am I some kind of pervert?

 3) The King's New Clothes

 You had to have seen this coming. Obviously, you could interpret this as some weird sexual thing, and that I'm saying that Zelensky should have shown up naked. No. That's not what this is. It's simply a reference to pretending something is there when it isn't. I'm, perhaps wrongly, equating 0 with ∅ -  no clothes are different than the reality of there not being clothes on this blue planet that would have made the Zelensky/Trump discussion anything other than a pretext for Trump to write off the entire population of Ukraine. After all, the President had been planning to sell out the country to Vladimir Putin, a man whom he simultaneously fears, loves, and envies. Who knows what he might have done? This third choice is an acknowledgement that not even Joseph's Technicolor Dream Coat could have saved a meeting that was entirely scuttled by one side. I mean... Trump mentioned orcs and the Biden administration... Did we watch a stroke on live television? Are we the monsters?

Nah.

ON BREATHING MACHINE, POPE FRANCIS TRIES TO GET RIGHT WITH GOD

 

 

 

Imagine a voice at the intersection of Mario and Emperor Palpatine

 (Vatican City) The Vatican has confirmed that Pope Francis had an isolated respiratory crisis on Friday. However, the spokesperson claims that the crisis is now over. The 88 year-old pontiff has been in the hospital since February 14th but responded well to having  been on a mechanical ventilator, despite the fact that the device was created by scientists. The aging religious figure's worsening health has prompted what many have called an eleventh hour attempt to "get right with God."

"I haven't got much time left," said Pope Francis. "I don't want to go to, you know, the bad place. The problem is that I look at all of the religions out there and think, Christ, which one is right? I mean, it can't be ours. We defend pedophiles, extort money from people who are dying of parasites that you could barely imagine, and I'm sitting on a gold fucking throne - a gold fucking throne. Can you believe that? So, I guess, I gotta figure out who to pray to - you know before it's curtains. It's just so crazy. I never thought I'd be in this position."

For the past decade, Pope Francis has been the face of a much more liberal church. Even still, many Catholics have admitted to confusion at this turn of events. As the head of their religion, church dogma makes him the mouthpiece of God.

"I can't understand how he can say such things," said Mother Frederica Tagliaferra, the Mother Superior of Our Lady of the Cross Convent in Boston, MA. "Millions and millions of people have dedicated their lives to the very doctrine that he appears to be abandoning. But, I suppose, it's better late than never." Afterwards, she tore off her habit and wimple, downed an entire bottle of Banker's Club vodka and did three lines of cocaine off of the posterior of a sex worker.

When asked for further comment, Pope Francis merely said, "I don't know man, maybe, I'll be, like, a Unitarian. They seem cool."

DOGE TEAM CHILDREN RETURN TO GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS WITH PARENTAL PERMISSION SLIPS

The TV show "Old Enough" has a new cast!

(Washington, DC) In what some would call a vulgar display of power, Elon Musk's DOGE team has returned to a number of government buildings, brandishing permission slips from their parents. These signed pieces of paper indicate that the boys' parents have consented to their sons entering secure areas to perform duties ambiguously defined as, "computer stuff." Cries for transparency, accountability, and oversight flood in from senior government officials, the press, and the US citizenry. In response to this, Edward Coristine had this to say:

"If they don't like it, they'll have to take that up with my mommy. Just, uh, don't, um, tell her that they, ah, call me... Big Balls. She'll take my phone away again. I hate that."

House democrats called the move unorthodox but also asked if the various mothers were amenable to a midterm election challenge, citing that they could not find anything legally prohibiting the move. When pressed, lawmakers produced the same rule book that allowed for the dog to play basketball in "Air Bud." Senate Majority Leader, John Thune, had this to say:

"We're very proud of these boys. They have tied their shoelaces very tight, engaged in fair play, and are good sports. It's incredible that the left-wing, mainstream media continues to present their actions as anything other than their best efforts. What are we telling our children, that their best isn't good enough? I have personally seen them trying very hard, and that needs to be rewarded with praise, not transparency."

Neither President Trump nor Elon Musk were available for comment, as they were in a private meeting, where it is rumored that they are comparing penis sizes. Matt Gaetz has asked the DOGE team if they can introduce him to any of their classmates' younger siblings.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SERIOUSLY?

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding?

 

(An alternate timeline, I wish) After more than a yearlong hiatus from posting articles, the Big Tobacco will resume updates, though there has been no agreed upon schedule. When asked (by himself) for comment about the decision, the publication's sole contributor, Guy Geaux, had this to say, "What in the actual fuck? I mean, I always knew that people were stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone always says that, but there isn't really any bottom to how dumb we are, right? I figured that we'd survived the first four Trump years, but the world went and lost its goddamned mind again, and now, now, I don't know what to do. Not only is this asshole back, he's brought along the money-as-escape-velocity-from-inceldom mascot and his cadre of freakishly self-important boy children."

After rubbing his palms from his eyes to his forehead, staring into the middle distance for a few moments, and then, stroking his beard, Guy Geaux continued, "I'm bringing back the Big Tobacco because I don't know what else to do. Right now, as I am writing this, we've got people acting like this team of rejects from the 'Saved by the Bell' reboot are the fucking Brown Shirts, and all of the data breaches and ignored court decisions are like Kristallnacht. They aren't. But something probably will be. It's still early. The problem is that people have been so disenfranchised, overstimulated, and distanced from their own power to influence government that they don't know how to do anything but panic anymore, and Cheeto-dick and his sidekicks from Patheticville are taking advantage of that. Right now, it looks like they're being careful not to do anything physically violent, but as soon as they've closed down everything in government that doesn't directly support them, they will be the law. Once that happens, then they won't need any excuses because they won't be beholden to anyone. And that, my friends, is very fucking scary. I'm looking for ways to do anything else that I can, but this felt like a start." 

After rolling his eyes and looking longingly at a bottle of whiskey, he continued, "Is this one funny? Hell no. But maybe laughing at these assholes, which is what we ought to be able to do, should be part of the action against them. They're clowns - and not even good ones - and they deserve derisive laughter."