ON BREATHING MACHINE, POPE FRANCIS TRIES TO GET RIGHT WITH GOD

 

 

 

Imagine a voice at the intersection of Mario and Emperor Palpatine

 (Vatican City) The Vatican has confirmed that Pope Francis had an isolated respiratory crisis on Friday. However, the spokesperson claims that the crisis is now over. The 88 year-old pontiff has been in the hospital since February 14th but responded well to having  been on a mechanical ventilator, despite the fact that the device was created by scientists. The aging religious figure's worsening health has prompted what many have called an eleventh hour attempt to "get right with God."

"I haven't got much time left," said Pope Francis. "I don't want to go to, you know, the bad place. The problem is that I look at all of the religions out there and think, Christ, which one is right? I mean, it can't be ours. We defend pedophiles, extort money from people who are dying of parasites that you could barely imagine, and I'm sitting on a gold fucking throne - a gold fucking throne. Can you believe that? So, I guess, I gotta figure out who to pray to - you know before it's curtains. It's just so crazy. I never thought I'd be in this position."

For the past decade, Pope Francis has been the face of a much more liberal church. Even still, many Catholics have admitted to confusion at this turn of events. As the head of their religion, church dogma makes him the mouthpiece of God.

"I can't understand how he can say such things," said Mother Frederica Tagliaferra, the Mother Superior of Our Lady of the Cross Convent in Boston, MA. "Millions and millions of people have dedicated their lives to the very doctrine that he appears to be abandoning. But, I suppose, it's better late than never." Afterwards, she tore off her habit and wimple, downed an entire bottle of Banker's Club vodka and did three lines of cocaine off of the posterior of a sex worker.

When asked for further comment, Pope Francis merely said, "I don't know man, maybe, I'll be, like, a Unitarian. They seem cool."

DOGE TEAM CHILDREN RETURN TO GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS WITH PARENTAL PERMISSION SLIPS

The TV show "Old Enough" has a new cast!

(Washington, DC) In what some would call a vulgar display of power, Elon Musk's DOGE team has returned to a number of government buildings, brandishing permission slips from their parents. These signed pieces of paper indicate that the boys' parents have consented to their sons entering secure areas to perform duties ambiguously defined as, "computer stuff." Cries for transparency, accountability, and oversight flood in from senior government officials, the press, and the US citizenry. In response to this, Edward Coristine had this to say:

"If they don't like it, they'll have to take that up with my mommy. Just, uh, don't, um, tell her that they, ah, call me... Big Balls. She'll take my phone away again. I hate that."

House democrats called the move unorthodox but also asked if the various mothers were amenable to a midterm election challenge, citing that they could not find anything legally prohibiting the move. When pressed, lawmakers produced the same rule book that allowed for the dog to play basketball in "Air Bud." Senate Majority Leader, John Thune, had this to say:

"We're very proud of these boys. They have tied their shoelaces very tight, engaged in fair play, and are good sports. It's incredible that the left-wing, mainstream media continues to present their actions as anything other than their best efforts. What are we telling our children, that their best isn't good enough? I have personally seen them trying very hard, and that needs to be rewarded with praise, not transparency."

Neither President Trump nor Elon Musk were available for comment, as they were in a private meeting, where it is rumored that they are comparing penis sizes. Matt Gaetz has asked the DOGE team if they can introduce him to any of their classmates' younger siblings.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SERIOUSLY?

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding?

 

(An alternate timeline, I wish) After more than a yearlong hiatus from posting articles, the Big Tobacco will resume updates, though there has been no agreed upon schedule. When asked (by himself) for comment about the decision, the publication's sole contributor, Guy Geaux, had this to say, "What in the actual fuck? I mean, I always knew that people were stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone always says that, but there isn't really any bottom to how dumb we are, right? I figured that we'd survived the first four Trump years, but the world went and lost its goddamned mind again, and now, now, I don't know what to do. Not only is this asshole back, he's brought along the money-as-escape-velocity-from-inceldom mascot and his cadre of freakishly self-important boy children."

After rubbing his palms from his eyes to his forehead, staring into the middle distance for a few moments, and then, stroking his beard, Guy Geaux continued, "I'm bringing back the Big Tobacco because I don't know what else to do. Right now, as I am writing this, we've got people acting like this team of rejects from the 'Saved by the Bell' reboot are the fucking Brown Shirts, and all of the data breaches and ignored court decisions are like Kristallnacht. They aren't. But something probably will be. It's still early. The problem is that people have been so disenfranchised, overstimulated, and distanced from their own power to influence government that they don't know how to do anything but panic anymore, and Cheeto-dick and his sidekicks from Patheticville are taking advantage of that. Right now, it looks like they're being careful not to do anything physically violent, but as soon as they've closed down everything in government that doesn't directly support them, they will be the law. Once that happens, then they won't need any excuses because they won't be beholden to anyone. And that, my friends, is very fucking scary. I'm looking for ways to do anything else that I can, but this felt like a start." 

After rolling his eyes and looking longingly at a bottle of whiskey, he continued, "Is this one funny? Hell no. But maybe laughing at these assholes, which is what we ought to be able to do, should be part of the action against them. They're clowns - and not even good ones - and they deserve derisive laughter."